MSD 6th Year Anniv. Poem ~ “I am a... ”

In commemoration of the sixth year anniversary of the Stoneman Douglas tragedy, I am releasing a poem in honor of the victims and survivors...

Trigger warning: vivid imagery regarding school shooting.

This spoken word piece describes the epiphany some trauma survivors experience after a period of long-term dissociation. (Dissociation is a trauma response that may manifest as disconnection from reality, identity, and/or memory. In simple terms, everyday life can feel surreal for months, if not years.) **

Preview

It was the first time I realized we walked by blood stained concrete

And shattered glass

And bullet shells

And lives on floors

I am a—

“I am a _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ” by Eleni Webster

The 14th of February, 2018

T'was not the only day that changed my life,

u see?

4 years and 1 day later

Was the first time I realized what it is to be a—

It was the first time I realized that the shots I had heard (and can still hear every now and then in the echo)

Took the lives of other children my age (and so)

Although we pretend

To have turned that page (over)

Our hearts are forever bent

I am a—

It was the first time I realized that my friend’s arm will always be bruised

Every now and then a dull, lingering pain will haunt her

Like an old shadow

As she writes below

As she opens a door

But especially as she goes up the stairs slow

She will always remember

A constant reminder of running for--

Running for her life

I am a—

It was the first time I realized that my classmate will always have holes in his body

And there's a walker in his garage

From when he would limp down the halls

With his mom at his side

Because one day he was the fastest student

And the next he paid for bandages like it was rent

I am a—

It was the first time I realized that every time my teacher looks at himself in the mirror

And his son touches his face

The white bumpy scar across his forehead will remind him

That he is a hero

I am a—

It was the first time I realized that my friend will never be able to sleep at night

Because she saw her teacher standing one moment, and laying the next

Crimson memories

Will haunt her for eternities

I am a—

It was the first time I realized that my parents will never be able to say goodbye without their hearts aching

Because they remember what it was panicking

Thinking their daughter

Would be stuck in a closet forever

I am a—

It was the first time I realized my sister is terrified she will live through the same pain

At the same place

I am a—

It was the first time I realized that I lived a nightmare

I am a—

It was the first time I realized that that other hero's baby will never know his father

I am a—

It was the first time I realized we walked by blood stained concrete

And shattered glass

And bullet shells

And lives on floors

I am a—

The 15th of February, 2022

It was the first time I realized

I—

It was the first time I realized

I am—

It was the first time I realized

I am a—

It was the first time I realized—

I realized…

I am a school shooting survivor

What does that mean?

It means that...

Every now and then I cry

Every now and then I blink slowly, grateful to be alive

Every now and then the party is over

And I’ll stay up, praying that if I go to sleep, I won’t not wake up

Hoping that if I fall into the slumber clouds

The joy of my current life won’t be a mere dream (doubts)

Every now and then I dance my little heart out

Because I made it

(I made it)

Every now and then I die a little inside

Because many didn’t make it out alive

Every now and then I wonder why

Why I

Why I survived

Every now and then I look at my parents and say a random i.l.y.

Every now and then I hug my friends a little tighter (too)

Every now and then I feel like a diver

Floating in the deep midnight blue

Every now and then I feel my heart on fire

But alas, I am a survivor

A survivor

Survive-er

. . . . . . .

If you are reading this, I am grateful you took the time to read this poem in its entirety on the sixth anniversary of the MSD tragedy. This autobiographical slam poetry piece describes the sensation of realizing after four whole years, what one actually went through. Below I reference an article that explains the science behind this trauma response phenomena. I also link other artpieces I have made. :)

Another Poem

My Song

My Article

** More on "Dissociation"

(Keep in mind that symptoms may vary per individual.)

https://www.orygen.org.au/Training/Resources/Trauma/Fact-sheets/Dissociation-trauma/Orygen_Dissociation_and_trauma_in_young_people_fac?ext=

Dissociation Excerpt: